favoritehate

i just feel so broken. everything i look forward to fails.

whats the point?

so ever since my favourite dim sum place shut down.. ive been going to the bright pearl. i find that sometimes its great, sometimes.. not so much.

my question is.. where is your favourite dim sum place? i really like when they have the carts.. and i know thats usually a lunch time thing.. so what bout places with the carts? cheapest? suggestions?

sometimes i just hate everything so much i hurt so deeply.
crying for hours doesnt even help, all i want is to indulge or eat tons of chocolate ice cream and i dont even have money for that until tomorrow.

my head hurts from crying, my thumb hurts from jarring it into a corner, and im so fucking depressed from everything

Fashion Meme

A: What accessories do you wear everyday?
11 earrings in my ears (the 2g and 000g plugs INCLUDED), my power ring my sister got me (she has the same one, worn on the same middle finger)

B: What is your beauty routine?
brush teeth, take shower, towel dry hair, blow dry hair, flat iron hair, mush in some product, throw in contacts, put on make up (sometimes while the iron is heating) usually just eyeshadows n mascara n eyeliner for me.

C: What was the last item of clothing (for yourself) that you purchased?
a shirt from old navy last week that i returned the other day. i think i bought socks from my store that were on sale that had a pirate skull on them the other day. wee

D: Do you use a dresser, closet, or both?
i have an ikea thingie that looks like a store fixture. industrial heaven. i can reorganize as needed.

E: What type of earrings are in your ears right now?
organic swirls 000g (im trying to gauge my ears), metal 2g plugs in my second holes, 3 different colour/sized rhinestone studs, and a small silver hoop in my cartilage and tragus piercings.

F: What type of figure do you have (measurements)?
A fat curvy one!

G: Do you wear glasses?
yes, but lately no. contacts!

H: What type of handbag do you carry?
a big black one i can fit EVERYTHING into.

I: What is your ideal style?
i dont know. i really enjoy my blend of everything, although i kinda enjoy the emo/goth bit. lotsa black with some skulls thrown in there..

J: What is your favorite brand of jeans?
gotta go with Old Navy *cue old navy chime music*

K: Do you wear knee-hi stockings?
i kinda wish i did.

L: Do you *have* to wear matching lingerie?
no. i would if i could, but i cant, so i wont or dont..

M: Do you wear makeup?
not always

N: Do you wear nightgowns?
only when im alone.

O: What outerwear do you put on when going out on a typical winters day?
winter?! fuck. i hate snow. i have a gap jacket that is uber warm and long, teamed up with a thick knit scarf.

P: What is your favorite perfume?
im pretty much allergic to scents. perfumes make me sick. i love escape by calvin klein - just the one for men, as well as hugo boss.. but cant wear scents as they usually make me sick.
also i really want a coconut and a vanilla oil or body spray, but im picky and cant find the perfect scent.

Q: Is your motto "quality over quantity" when it comes to clothing and accessories?
im cheap. so more is better when it comes to accessories. for clothes, its too hard to find what i want that fits that i can afford.. so i deal with it..

R: Do you wear rain boots?
no

S: Do you wear socks or slippers when your feet get cold?
i hate socks. i have black hello kitty slippers that i love.

T: Do you have a set of travel luggage?
no.

U: What is your daily uniform?
for work: jeans a tee and a hoody
for being a bum: modrobes and a tee

V: If you are married, did you wear a veil with your wedding dress? If not, how did you do your hair?
i'm not gonna wear a veil. im also not getting married.

W: Do you wear a watch?
only at work. its dickies, with a hot pink face

X: What item of clothing always makes you feel beautiful?
my cute la senza bras, and my cute pinup top

Y: What is your favorite type of yarn?
uh? could we gone with "do you own anything yellow?"

Z: Do you prefer zippers or buttons?
depends on what its for. buttons for some things look better.

im not okay.

its been just over two months since my father passed away and im really not dealing with it well. i feel like i havent really had a chance to let it out, and really grieve. the smallest things set me off. reminders everywhere. this whole thing is made 100 times worse since im constantly reminded of my mother who passed on in november of 2001. random images of either of them pop into my head and make me cry. arguments they had, their smell, their touch, things they would say.
its so hard not having parents. i know i should be seeking groups or therapy. instead i feel a little bit crazier each day.

constantly looking through tears.

im so sick. or at least it feels that way. my tonsils hurt so much. ive been on meds for six days, and after four i felt better.. but then it got worse again. why me. im on new antibiotics that i started yesterday.. but the pain is unbearable.. my head feels like its gonna explode and i cant keep missing work.

i dont know what to do anymore. i know that antibiotics take like 2-3 days before they start working, but advil isnt numbing the pain at all in the interim. im going to try tylenol tonight.. and maybe drinking more fluids..

sigh.

i got two cats from the humane society yesterday.
jackie & arizona.
i think their names may change since they arent too responsive to them, but who knows. nicknames never hurt anyone either.
im hella sick though which sucks/
happy thanksgiving!

i just wanted to say that And One and VNV Nation were wicked last night.
im happy i got a couple pics of Steve Naghavi on my phone.. and being so close made me so happy... mm.

thank you!

my floor is covered in barbies.
after the other night of staying up way too late with my friend.. we managed to play with most of my barbies. well playing with them isnt quite what we did. we dressed them, and she posed them in raunchy positions... on my coffee table. yeah thats right. on display for all to see. it was good times.

the new place is great. thats all i can say.

my work on the other hand is killing me. i called in sick today.. which was great. i ended up getting a call from the HR lady. i called back, freaked out that i was gonna get in shit for calling in.. and all it was.. all it was, was her letting me know that half my department got laid off because our client pulled out, without sticking to their contract with the company i work for. so im being moved. AGAIN. this is getting frustrating. im crossing my fingers that i get my old schedule back, because i hate night shifts. the extra $200 a month was great.. but it hasnt done me much good lately, and spending the $100/monthly on a ttc pass hasnt helped so much either.

i wish the friends that wanted to help me out at some point, wouldnt be so jerky when im asking them for help now. because honestly, dont tell me you will do something, when really you would rather fight against the help you offered up in the first place.
i guess im just really annoyed right now. i had worked on a new resume today and im starting to job hunt again.

so please. think of me when you hear of job openings. im at the end of my rope.

im almost done cleaning and getting my new apt ready!
i just have to get more paint to paint the trim in the main entry, although i might have enough.. im just super lazy and i want to move in already.. but my carpet will be installed tomorrow finally, my bed will move down monday night and then im good to go! i think i still have more "packing" to do, although its just lugging my shit down to the basement really. i just hate being super broke.
i need to buy: paint for trim, shelving, a stove, handles for cabinets, sand for my hermit crab tank, a lid for my hermit crab tank, and probably more shit that i cant think of.

i also have to get my wireless card set up so that i dont have a thousand wires and cables running downstairs. clearly im fully exaggerating considering it wont take a thousand cables to get my computer running and online. but it will be a bitch to get the internet running down through from the main floor.. and really i hate when i have to ask my brother for more things to do, because he definitely has enough on his plate right now.
if anyone knows anything about linksys wireless cards and can help me out, please do! i downloaded the driver and the software i thought my computer dealt with.. but its not finding the network.. and i dont know why really.. but i was really tired when i was fiddling with it and now i cant be bothered to because im trying to pack up more shite today. anyways.. i know no one reads my posts anyways, but i suppose i feel like im asking someone as opposed to twiddling my thumbs, which i will do later anyways.

i AM tired.

i just cleaned for 3 hours, but im 80% closer to being ready to move now. the chick in my basement moves out sunday, for those that dont know.. im finally moving into my basement.
i had asked my brother over 2 years ago when shit was going down between my sister and i (when i was still living with her).. so my brother told me i wasnt able to move into the basement because she had signed the lease etc.. im too lazy to write out long ass stories.. but im happy im finally moving.
:)
cleaning and painting will most likely be next week, im sure none of you want to help, but if you really have nothing better to do.. lemme know.

also im looking for a tank for my crabs. i have a 10gallon tank right now, but because they are jumbo hermit crabs.. id like a bigger tank. 20+ would be great.. if anyone knows someone wanting to get rid of a tank.. lemme know!
and yes, i know crabs are a weird pet. but they are cute. id like to get the one lonely crab that is still at the pet shop, which is another reason id like a bigger tank. they dont live well alone. its weird.. but they are social beings.. and i didnt go out and buy them.. my brother bought them for a photo shoot.. and after a million hours of research i decided id keep them since they arent toooooo hard to care for and they are really cute and friendly. im just not really wanting to hold them in my hand yet - but almost!

why?

just the one word makes me think a thousand things.

the ones that hurt the most are:

why do i cower from my goals?
why do i let myself be treated like this?
why is it you dont realize how much you hurt me constantly - or do you, and you just dont care?

maybe its just the truths that answer these questions that hurt the most. i feel like im in tears constantly, regardless of what i do.

im so sick of you treating me like shit, yet i cant manage to tear myself away for more than a minute.

maybe the abuse is comfortable.

Dear Mr. Fly,

I see that my monitor attracted you. But you see, after 3 days of 12 hour shifts, spending majority of one of those evenings in an ER waiting room, and then having to go to work the next day in the same clothes, working Saturday on top of my regular shifts, and pulling ridiculous overtime.. and then getting an email that really pulled my heartstrings.. I really don't feel like staring at you tending to yourself when I'm chatting. I'm in a foul mood and I really wish you would just take a hint when you are swatted away more than once.

Sincerely,

Upset bitch staring at you sobbing.


P.S. - I really don't like killing things, but if you die while I swat at you, don't say you weren't warned.

god i love being sick.
im irritable, feverish, my nose is raw, and ive been having bouts of dizziness.
i cant tell if im pastier than normal, because im so white normally.. although im normally pinkier than this. at least im not hallucinating still. i love being this sick.
its not even February and ive had two colds this year.
the stupid fact i learned today is that dust is 90% human cells and sneezes can travel 6 feet. gross. all that goodness circulating around the office.. no wonder. i bought tons of kleenex today and sanitizer for my cubicle. i figure i have a hand washing problem, but when im sick.. and since ive been training.. im touching everyones keyboards and shit.. so i might as well keep my hands clean since i cant run to the washroom to wash my hands every five mins. i mean i guess i could.. but my supervisor might kill me if i dont make my quota eventually.
and on that note, this training bullshit is getting on my nerves. i mean its great and all.. and ill get something at month end for all the hard work ive done.. but im so sick. like honestly. SO SICK. *sniffle* im paranoid. maybe i should go to the doctor?
oh well. now that i sneezed and it plugged my ears im going to sleep.

i hate people.

so.. there wasnt really all that much to say about new years.. i had a cold. when my cold was done, i got to go for round two of root canal. i get to go for round 3, and hopefully there wont be more rounds after that.. on the 24th. it wasnt as painful as the first time.. probably because the infection that was in my tooth was mostly gone by the time they started.. but i was so worn out and sore the first time it was atrocious. anyways..
there was a nice week of being alone whilst everyone was away. the second week was good when i wasnt so alone, and the dog was comfortable enough she didnt bark at my friend..
god, time off is so nice. so is spending time with people you like being around.
it kinda sucks to have my house back to normal. although my brother did start getting more shit for the turtle tank. its so cute. i dont think i posted about the turtles story.. but it goes like this.. my brother ran over a turtle in our garage. dont ask how that happens in downtown toronto. but yes. so now we have a turtle. CJ. or Cracker Jack.
anyways.. im still debating on if i should take another art course.. if i should take a spanish course.. or if i should just save up some money for now.
aside from that, ive had no time to come online, and when ive had time i completely just dont want to be near a computer from being in front of one all day at work. its even worse right now cuz i just want to go to the gym after work.. but i will be staying an extra two hours everyday this week and most likely next week so that i can make up some hours and gain some overtime. ok. ive had enough!
oh im also ridiculously full of brownies and ice cream. thanks cory! i only over eat this much when im with him. to the point where i desperately want to puke up what i ate. is that a problem?

as i sit here listening to Playing the Angel reading stupid shit online tears stream down my face. the last day of the year means absolutely nothing to me anymore. i dont get it. im so into celebrating and drinking when theres a reason to celebrate.. but for some reason new years eve means shit all to me now. ( cut for your sake.. )

so since i got home after friday night jew dinner my msn hasnt worked.
i dont know what happened. its given me 3 different error messages, but it mostly just tells me that "Signing in failed because the service is temporarily unavailable". WTF is that about? one of the error messages last night said it couldnt access my contact list.. and the other one this morning was with an error msg of 3100086 or something like that..
this is just super annoying. not that theres really anyone on my list that i cant find means of talking to that dont involve msn.. its just that seeing as how im a lazy bitch, this sucks.
ive tried following the msn tips to resolving errors.. but thats not working. none of the troubleshooting is working, and ive tried to reinstall as well. NOTHING WORKS wtf. im so computer illiterate sometimes. but oh well. i guess i didnt really need to be online all the time anyways.

a root canal!@%^

so the beginnings of it started today. its fucking late, i was out of the dentist's chair at 5:45 and the pain is starting to peak. i liked it better when it was numb. im in too much pain to really think about anything other than wanting to kill myself, but clearly i cant be bothered to take a T3 cuz im too much of a sap.

someone kill me.

advil clearly helps where tylenol makes me feel mental. the only reason this is in line one of my soon-to-be-wonderfully-short post is because i just took an advil. i know it sounds silly but my whole fucking face has been hurting for almost a week now because of my tooth. silly tooth. silly infected tooth. wtf.
i went to the dentist thursday because i couldnt tolerate it anymore. i could barely focus on my monitor at work nevermind handling the actual workload. so i went to the dentist.. so now i probably need a root canal. just what i wanted for xmas! my face was so hot and sore for 2-3 days.. im just happy that its simmered down a bit with the help of the antibiotics. i got tylenol 3s to go along with this whole thing too.. but anyone who knows me well.. knows that i hate taking pills. ah. hence advil vs. tylenol. when i had taken two extra strength tylenols it made me feel sick. i wonder what allergies to tylenol are like? anyways. i go sleep so i wont feel pain anymore.