so since i used to write my dreams here, i think i will add 3 from last night. i should just get a dream journal and write them out manually and if i want to continue writing dreams here, i will just re-write them.. for now i just want to remember..
#1 - trying to catch a bus that was sitting by the curb. when i got on i realized i was going to be late, and there was either dogs with me, or i was looking at dogs someone had with them. the bus kept stopping for extended periods, and turning so i thought i was going to be late, i was getting anxious. i ended up getting off the bus, and was on a street that looked a little like downtown montreal. i wandered down the street looking for my destination, and finally came to a restaurant.
#2 - i was sitting in a kitchen with my mom while my sister was standing a few feet from us at the counter. it was supposed to be my sisters apt. my mom was explaining a recipe to my sister, it was one of my grandmothers recipe. my sister kept repeating the ingredients, thinking it was simpler than what my mom was explaining. and i kept saying "then you add more salt."
#3 - i was working in what appeared to be a coffee time (same setup as you would see in a typical one) i was behind the counter cleaning. my brothers friend finally came to the door, as i was expecting him, but i was busy cleaning. i ended up sweeping by the front door, and i left him to wait for me by the cash. i was supposed to train him. customers came in and he rang them through, but i thought to myself he didnt know what he was doing. i went over and started to show him where everything was, then my brother came.
so i have two cats that i was feeding raw. one of my cats was way harder to transition, but she is loving raw now. the other cat that initially LOVED it.. now wont eat. for a while i had to mix a little bit of canned food in with it when she first started turning her nose at the raw. now she just wont eat it. if i give her canned, she will eat canned food.. the canned food i give her is completely grain free, high quality ingredients, but i dont want to give either of them commercial foods.. im at a total loss. i got ground lamb today to see if switching to a different protein source would work, she didnt want it. i seared the top.. she still didnt want it. now i dont know what to do. is there another protein i should try that cats typically like? chicken and turkey were good with her at first, but she wont eat either anymore. she used to like playing/eating chicken wings, but seems to get bored with them now. should i try quail? thats something i can get from my butcher in whole prey model. or rabbit? my butcher has fresh rabbit as well.. but i would most likely ask them to grind it for me for my sake.. im really at a loss
all of a sudden it felt like everything fell apart. for no reason im left in tears, bawling my eyes out.. feeling more alone than ive ever felt before.
i just feel so broken. everything i look forward to fails.
whats the point?
so ever since my favourite dim sum place shut down.. ive been going to the bright pearl. i find that sometimes its great, sometimes.. not so much.
my question is.. where is your favourite dim sum place? i really like when they have the carts.. and i know thats usually a lunch time thing.. so what bout places with the carts? cheapest? suggestions?
sometimes i just hate everything so much i hurt so deeply.
crying for hours doesnt even help, all i want is to indulge or eat tons of chocolate ice cream and i dont even have money for that until tomorrow.
my head hurts from crying, my thumb hurts from jarring it into a corner, and im so fucking depressed from everything
A: What accessories do you wear everyday?
11 earrings in my ears (the 2g and 000g plugs INCLUDED), my power ring my sister got me (she has the same one, worn on the same middle finger)
B: What is your beauty routine?
brush teeth, take shower, towel dry hair, blow dry hair, flat iron hair, mush in some product, throw in contacts, put on make up (sometimes while the iron is heating) usually just eyeshadows n mascara n eyeliner for me.
C: What was the last item of clothing (for yourself) that you purchased?
a shirt from old navy last week that i returned the other day. i think i bought socks from my store that were on sale that had a pirate skull on them the other day. wee
D: Do you use a dresser, closet, or both?
i have an ikea thingie that looks like a store fixture. industrial heaven. i can reorganize as needed.
E: What type of earrings are in your ears right now?
organic swirls 000g (im trying to gauge my ears), metal 2g plugs in my second holes, 3 different colour/sized rhinestone studs, and a small silver hoop in my cartilage and tragus piercings.
F: What type of figure do you have (measurements)?
A fat curvy one!
G: Do you wear glasses?
yes, but lately no. contacts!
H: What type of handbag do you carry?
a big black one i can fit EVERYTHING into.
I: What is your ideal style?
i dont know. i really enjoy my blend of everything, although i kinda enjoy the emo/goth bit. lotsa black with some skulls thrown in there..
J: What is your favorite brand of jeans?
gotta go with Old Navy *cue old navy chime music*
K: Do you wear knee-hi stockings?
i kinda wish i did.
L: Do you *have* to wear matching lingerie?
no. i would if i could, but i cant, so i wont or dont..
M: Do you wear makeup?
N: Do you wear nightgowns?
only when im alone.
O: What outerwear do you put on when going out on a typical winters day?
winter?! fuck. i hate snow. i have a gap jacket that is uber warm and long, teamed up with a thick knit scarf.
P: What is your favorite perfume?
im pretty much allergic to scents. perfumes make me sick. i love escape by calvin klein - just the one for men, as well as hugo boss.. but cant wear scents as they usually make me sick.
also i really want a coconut and a vanilla oil or body spray, but im picky and cant find the perfect scent.
Q: Is your motto "quality over quantity" when it comes to clothing and accessories?
im cheap. so more is better when it comes to accessories. for clothes, its too hard to find what i want that fits that i can afford.. so i deal with it..
R: Do you wear rain boots?
S: Do you wear socks or slippers when your feet get cold?
i hate socks. i have black hello kitty slippers that i love.
T: Do you have a set of travel luggage?
U: What is your daily uniform?
for work: jeans a tee and a hoody
for being a bum: modrobes and a tee
V: If you are married, did you wear a veil with your wedding dress? If not, how did you do your hair?
i'm not gonna wear a veil. im also not getting married.
W: Do you wear a watch?
only at work. its dickies, with a hot pink face
X: What item of clothing always makes you feel beautiful?
my cute la senza bras, and my cute pinup top
Y: What is your favorite type of yarn?
uh? could we gone with "do you own anything yellow?"
Z: Do you prefer zippers or buttons?
depends on what its for. buttons for some things look better.
im not okay.
its been just over two months since my father passed away and im really not dealing with it well. i feel like i havent really had a chance to let it out, and really grieve. the smallest things set me off. reminders everywhere. this whole thing is made 100 times worse since im constantly reminded of my mother who passed on in november of 2001. random images of either of them pop into my head and make me cry. arguments they had, their smell, their touch, things they would say.
its so hard not having parents. i know i should be seeking groups or therapy. instead i feel a little bit crazier each day.
constantly looking through tears.
im so sick. or at least it feels that way. my tonsils hurt so much. ive been on meds for six days, and after four i felt better.. but then it got worse again. why me. im on new antibiotics that i started yesterday.. but the pain is unbearable.. my head feels like its gonna explode and i cant keep missing work.
i dont know what to do anymore. i know that antibiotics take like 2-3 days before they start working, but advil isnt numbing the pain at all in the interim. im going to try tylenol tonight.. and maybe drinking more fluids..